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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Frequent Mistakes While Dating

Doreen Washington
Author & Columnist

There are common mistakes made frequently when dating. We have characteristics and certain temperaments that drive us to disregard these signs while dating which could possible lead to an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilled relationship. These listed below are to encourage us to acknowledge the signs which are designed to direct us, lead us and get us to our destination safely.  I am unaware of any sign made to direct us into an open hole or a deep ditch.  Hopefully this will help you to pay attention while dating and think soberly.  Do not ignore the red flags and the flashing lights that screams "warning" as you continue dating.

Have fun as you go through these steps.

Opening The Gate Too Soon
While dating we sometimes are pressured or persuaded to begin an intimate relationship to soon. In doing so this clouds our judgement, seals and binds us together emotionally, physically and mentally before we can take a good look at things. We begin to lose our sense of reasoning and our thoughts are based on the heart. We are unable to think clearly leading us to ignore some signs which may already be evident. We are now bond and sealed with intimacy and we have not allowed ourselves the time to be a fruit inspector or to judge ones character.  It's still not to late - keep a watch out. 

Kept Secrets or The Unwillingness To Divulge Information
While dating it is imperative to get to know each other. Sometimes this may come by the way of information that is unpleasant to divulge. Hesitation on children, career, martial status, credit history, the number of most recent partners, etc., could be a hint that there may be trouble brewing or which may lay closer to your relationship than you may wish. Withholding such information or being dishonest in this regard is a flaw and forces you to continue a relationship without having all the facts. Be aware and notice the signs.

Character Flaw - Lying
We as women have a loving and caring heart.  We love hard and continually provide the benefit of the doubt when its not warranted and when the lies are clear.  We make the mistake of accepting lies while dating which are covered up by excuses.  While dating we desire a lasting love and romance relationship and thus it could be flawed by lies.  None of us want a relationship filled with lies.  We desire honesty in addition to the romance, etc.  While dating we have been stood up on numerous occasions - being given a variety of excuses without even a call being made.  He's always missing in action.  He works nearly 24 hours a day and is always tied or sleeping - leaving designated days in the week in which he can see you.  Never can spend any money - checks always docked or late.  Pay attention to the signs.  Those that lie usually cheat as well.  Is this the type of relationship long term you desire?

Accepting Cheating
Unless this is your type of relationship, accepting the signs of cheating or accepting the act of it is a frequent mistake in which we make.  We all are aware of "everyone makes mistakes", but if all the signs are present of a cheating relationship and we fail to address it or accept the excuses or lies then most likely it will continue. We have to expose the cheater and without doing so we have provided approval without saying so.  When we accept such behaviors we are in fact nourishing it and permitting it to grow.  If you don't want this, then don't accept it or its' excuses.  Don't turn a deaf ear and blind eye.

Signs Of Anger 
Anger is a very dangerous thing.  It could start with something as little as being agitated.  It directs its' affections toward those closest to them and those who are most vulnerable.  Ignoring the anger sign could lead us into a pit that's dark and ugly.  If he is easily agitated by you being late, or pressure on the job, or a competition lost, or has very bad road rage or just by you saying "no" to what he thinks should be "yes", this is a sign we are unable to afford to miss.  We desire a loving, caring and healthy relationship and with making the frequent mistake of accepting the behavior could lead to a dysfunctional and traumatic lifestyle that you may find difficult to come out of.  See the warning sign, stop it in its tracks and drive to safety.

This is also a mistake made frequently.  We have a way of faking ourselves out.  We bury our feelings and try to go on as usual when usual is the farthest from the truth.  We must learn to be first honest with ourselves before we can be honest with others.  Once trust ha been violated or broken it takes time, healing and sometimes counsel in order to get it back.  We have the right to be honest enough to express this.  We tend to harbor this deep within ourselves and toughing up on our emotions to protect ourselves instead of dealing with the hurt, pain and betrayal of trust.  We must try to express our emotions and feelings while getting to know him.  If trust has been violated - we need to express this and notice where this express leads.  Trust your instincts.

We all have those annoying habits that drive others up a wall, but I would say pay attention to habits that you have made the decision to live without.  While dating or getting to know someone don't decide to dump or abandoned your habit list that you have decided to live without.  Do not cross them off your list - it will surely come back to haunt you later.  Stick to your guns!  You have every right to want a relationship with someone who doesn't smoke, or drink, or someone with good body cleanliness or doesn't curse like a sailor.  This isn't a sign of being to picky but a sign of securing some normalcy within your relationship without hindrance before it get started.  Do not let the longing for love, romance and a long lasting relationship cloud your judgement and allow you to drop your standards.  Remember if you don't want a smoker than a smoker will only get under your skin. 

Compromising "Us"
I believe this to be a sudle mistake that can be missed.  This sneaks up on us and unless we're seeing the signs we will miss them.  We as women tend to ignore how others treat us because we don't treat ourselves well.  We drop and compromise our standards because it easier to do so rather than to face the truth sometime.  We lack in self love which is being hidden behind the hair, nails, clothes,etc., so when he compromises us within our dating relationship we miss it.  When he will throw you under the bus to save himself on every occasion, he has compromised us leaving feeling worthless.  Teach others how to treat you.

Dating A Married Man
Now ladies, this is absolutely a no-no, if we are aware of this.  Red flags should go up that if he would do it to his wife why wouldn't he do it do you.  There are ways to detect a married man and we all know what they are. This individual doesn't belong to you - he belong to another whether he's physically with her or not.  It isn't advisable no matter how far into the dating period you are  - it's a no-no.  This relationship could never be a honest one because it began with cheating and lies.  In most cases we are aware of the spouse but choose to begin a dating relationship regardless.  There is someone waiting to love you. You only have to be patient and not settle for someone husband.  Jump ship and sail home alone.

If you are hoping the man you're dating will be long term, it's really important to pay close attention to his spending habits and the comments which are being made when spending.  If you like nice things which we all do - you better pay close attention to this one.  If he rather take you to a fast food restaurant for dinner regularly, or complains about the cost of a .70 candy bar or when you are finding yourself being asked to pay over and beyond for items, occasions and or trips, you may be looking at someone who may hesitates to be a provider.  We are all aware that in today's society and economy it usually takes two incomes to make the home work and if this is true with you pay close attention, it's a good chance that you may have a fight on your hands later on.

We Are Woman! 
These are just a few hints an tips to pay attention to while dating.  They are frequent mistakes that we all have made some time or another.  It's time to learn from the last and pay attention to the signs from this one.  You don't have to compromise but recognize the signs.  Let us be proactive while playing the dating game.  Set your course for determining if we are compatible with those in which we are dating.  It's not enough to go on good looks and in fact without looking to eliminate some of these frequent mistakes while dating you are setting your own selves up for a short term relationship leaving you possibly disappointed once again.  Be a good steward of your heart.

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I Had My First Radio Taping!

I Had My First Radio Taping!
"It was so much fun"

Listen In To Stations - 94.9 The Point, Z104, 95.7 R&B and 2WD 101.3

Hey Everyone!

I had my very first taping! It was great! I completely enjoyed it. The purpose of the taping was to make our communities aware of the 1st Annual Black Dress Affair that's scheduled for Sunday, July 19th.

We wish for everyone to be aware and to come out, join us and support our efforts.

The taping will be aired on four different stations on Sunday morning, July 5th at 6:00 a.m., (101.3 2WD), 6:30 a.m. Z104 (104.5), 7:00 a.m. (94.9 The Point) & 7:30 a.m. (95.7 R&B).

Listen in for fun! Tell someone about the event and remember to join us at the event at the Point Plaza Suite Hotel (Chesapeake Ballroom) on J. Clyde Morris Blvd. in Newport News, VA.

I could get use to this! Oh and I threw in information about the book also - what a deal!!

What Do You Think?

Do you think that we as women need to focus some of our caring and attention on ourselves?

What affect has not caring for ourselves had on who we are as women. What changes in ourselves have we not noticed occuring because of the lack of attention for us.

Who have we turned into. What levels and depths has we as women taken ourselves through and to in order to find that perfect him.

What Do You Think?
Let us know your comments

The Book Reader's Comment

I read the book in two days. It was wonderful and well written. You hit the nail on the head as the saying goes. Many of us forget our true value and self worth as Women. We always forget ourselves because we constantly put the world ahead. It made me feel much better and appreciated for being the Woman that I am. All Women are Super Heroes! Due to our busy lives, we often forget or are preoccupied, that we forget God is our source of energy, survival, love, patience, strength, etc. I enjoyed the book and have given it to my daughters who are now Women. Wow! I look forward to reading all your materials.

It is also great that part of the proceeds go to an excellent cause. Many Single Mothers need an outlet of support. It feels great to know that someone cares, we are appreciated and there is always some form of assistance available.

Thank you for your wisdom and time as far as writing this book. You are like the Guiding Big Sister so many of us need!!!

Pamela Twiggs

The FACE Foundation - Let's Not Forget Their Faces

The FACE Foundation is a non profit charitable organization that focuses on the wholeness and wellness of single working mothers who are facing difficulty and who are experiencing stress, low self-esteem, anger and financial difficulty.

If you wish to help by contributing to the help of single working mothers, please do so by mailing your contribution to:

The FACE Foundation, PO Box 16225, Newport News, VA 23608. For more information on The FACE Foundation, click the link to the left of this page.

Each dollar donated will go to helping these mothers. There is no donation to small. Will you help today?

Also by purchasing this book, We Are Woman, a portion of the proceeds go into this foundation. I, as an author, wanted to continue to pull all of my resources together so that our single mothers could be helped. We are in it together and I prove this by donating regularly, as well.

How Do We See Our Today?

Our today always looks better than our yesterday.

If we are reading this - we are still seeing. If we have heard the commerical on this blog - we are still hearing. If we are replying to this - we still have use of our hands. If we are pondering this - we still have use of our thoughts.

We are still here! Today is still better than our yesterday, no matter what yesterday held.

Enjoy today.